Only a couple of times has a dream made me wake up with the same distorted face of my imagined counterpart. Slowly finding out my brother died, going through the first couple stages of depression within an REM stage of a tuesday night cycle. Everyone around me was so calm, theyve all accepted it, except for me. Was i crazy? How could this happen out of nowhere? He was so healthy, and then..
I could feel every fiber of my being wishing i could see him again. Wishing i could have watched him grow like we have been doing all these years. Memories of distinctive conversations, inside jokes. I couldnt stop thinking about his PhD or his future adopted kids. Couldnt stop thinking of the grief my parents must be feeling as they calmly explained to me what happened. I cried and screamed, all within the walls of a quiet, frozen Tala. The madness that i was spiraling into was something i couldnt even imagine as i type this. It was only till i was forced to experience it as my own reality that the true weight of the situation burned into me.
The feeling of waking up to a familiar scene..the slow, yet fast, realization of where I am, what THIS universe’s reality is..
Waves of relief and happiness flooded me before my body had time to produce the torrents of tears streaming down my smile as i think about how much i love my family, and why i dont say it enough.
I want to text him right now, but it’s 3:55 AM and, thank you thank you thank you, he is sleeping.